Category Archives: Humor

While we’re on the subject of marriage…

I’m in the wrong career path

How does a medical doctor in private general practice set appointments out to January of 2015?

Somehow, I’ve got to become a medical doctor…

The rest shall suffer

During the siege that shut down an entire major American city in desperate search of suspects who wreaked death and mayhem at the Boston Marathon finish line, there comes a story which points out that though domestic terrorism shatters a normal day, some things never change…

On block after block of the Boston’s Financial District and Downtown Crossing, Starbucks shops went dark as the city locked down, spurred by a manhunt for the second marathon bombing suspect. Dunkin’ Donuts stayed open. Law enforcement asked the chain to keep some restaurants open in locked-down communities to provide hot coffee and food to police and other emergency workers, including in Watertown, the focus of the search for the bombing suspect.

Cops gotta have their doughnuts. Everyone else can fend for themselves.

Enjoy it. It’ll pass.

Sterilize the woman who has had an abortion.

If a woman doesn’t want children, eliminate their ability to reproduce. Their “breed” would eventually die out leaving women with genuine maternal instincts to care for the children in society. Sterilization also has the side benefit of eliminating the issue of repeat abortions.

It’s always seemed like a practical solution to me.

I wrote this on The American View user forum back in 2009. Yeah, it sounds a little crazy taken out of the context of an exchange on a forum. Any comment, taken out of the context of a conversation, can be misused, twisted or maligned in such as way as to cast aspersions. It happens all the time in politics. I guess I just have an oblique way of approaching others comments online. I’ve found that many people are either too lazy or judgmental to think. It’s a pity more people don’t understand sarcasm or irony these days. The mind needs the mental gymnastics on occasion.

The forum archives aren’t on the web anymore, so far as I can tell. I can’t say for certain, but as I recall the thread had to do with the issue of abortion and some were suggesting how to deal with it. The people on this forum were primarily what could be considered Christian Conservative with a smattering of fundamental Constitutionalists. Many of the sentiments throughout this forum, and a few on this particular thread as I recall, I could agree with. However there was a general tone in this thread expressing the idea of capital punishment (death penalty) for the woman as well as the doctor performing the operation, as a deterrent to abortion. Some, I think, even gave a biblical basis for such a position. Enter my remarks above.

Rather than accept executing offenders who had abortions I thought I’d be tongue-in-cheek by offering an idea that would be sarcastic enough for them to catch themselves in an untenable position. I thought, if they want to use government authority to execute abortion offenders, why not take a more “humanitarian” approach and sterilize them instead. To my recollection, they turned on my comment and some directly against me, claiming I was being unbiblical, among other things. I had hoped they would see the ridiculousness of their own position. Surely they’d see how abhorrent using the state to murder is. On the other hand, many of these folks don’t see a line between the Bible and politics.

So, forward to an evening a few days ago when I found this “enchanting” (trying to make my sarcasm more obvious now) little site called “Fundies Say The Darndest Things” or http://www.fstdt.com in URL. Apparently “fundies” is short for fundamentalist Christians. I found two of their Top 100 list from Vox Day. As someone who has read his weekly WND column and daily blog, I would say Vox isn’t a fundy. The commentaries on the site are from those who seem to be left liberal atheists or agnostics. Of course I’m going here because my “The American View” comment somehow found its way to their site, and their responses to my comment was enjoyable to read.

ANON: Having abortions isn’t genetic, you stupid f*&%$ng moron.

I’m deeply honoured (Still working the sarcasm angle.) The MPAI principle (Most People Are Idiots) is prevalent, perhaps seemingly more so due to social media and forums like these. They lack erudition as well. Yes, I know having abortions isn’t any more genetic than buying a chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-a (Even given the recent Chick-fil-a Appreciation Day, which phenomenon I’d like to comment more on when the dust settles. If someone like this is to understand the use of a metaphor such as dust settling.) Maybe if this son of a biscuit eating moron could preserve the last few brain cells they have by putting the bottle down they would understand that was the point. If it wasn’t enough to put “breed” in quotes to help get it then their case of rectal/cranial inversion may be too far gone to cure.

David G:  Sadly this is the nicest guy in that thread. Everyone else is calling for the execution of people getting abortions.
Thankfully, this helped jog my memory of the thread, but it wasn’t nice I was going for. I was trying to get the The American View to see Their Heinous View of ending abortions and even the abortion industry through the exaggerated means of government forced sterilizations. This was something another FSTDT commenter managed to pickup but didn’t have the benefit of the context of my comment.
Xotan: Make way for a Godwin: This is a typical Nazi-style solution, don’t you think?
One of the commenters even posted a “lovely” picture of Adolf Hitler as a tribute to Elmo (sarcasm). A couple of others suggested I might be expressing hidden resentment toward my parents for my name. Elmo takes such abuse. Then, as if their insults weren’t extreme enough, I read this.
Old Viking: Deep thought and true compassion. Must be a fundy clergyman.

Writer’s Cramp, Vol. 2

1) “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle”  – Sun Tzu, Art of War

Scripture is replete with warnings about the adversary of God. It teaches us to not only be as innocent as doves, but to be shrewd as snakes. The longer we go down this timeline to destruction as a nation the more the delineation of good and evil becomes clearer. I hold no hope for some political wind of change in November. Some implore voting for Romney in order to avert disaster, as if this election, above any other, is the most critical in the nation’s history. It’s foolish to think this one election could substantively alter a course for the nation which has been set by  voting from every previous election. I’ve said it before and it bears repeating, there is no political solution for what is essentially a spiritual problem. Evil is on the rise, but as it does grace does much more. In natural terms, the die is cast. In spiritual terms, all is for Christ. All is for His Glory. All is toward His end.

2) This Chik-fil-a homogamy issue has gotten out of hand. We keep eating chickens and no wonder roosters look at each other funny.

3) Haven’t tried any further recipes with pickled eggs in a couple of months. Guess I got it out of my system for now, but I do intend to continue to work on perfecting a formula. Hopefully one involving lime and/or dill.

4) Thus far I’m in Proverbs 7 following the Historical track in YouVersion. It’s been enjoyable and have discovered many enlightening things in scripture, some of which I hope to share here in the coming months. For now I’m committed to a lot of reading so writing will have to take a holiday.

Writer’s Cramp, vol 1

1) My thinking on the concept of what God knows is changing. It’s been my experience in churches that God is considered omniscient, that is He knows everything infinitely, past present and future. The more reading I do in the Old Testament the more I come to understand God as One Who knows what He chooses, when He chooses, but doesn’t necessarily know everything at all times. It seems Open Theology is quite the rage among some Christians today. Perhaps I need to explore this more…

2) Bureaucratic paperwork, especially of government origin, isn’t intended to document facts, but to obscure reality. The truth suffers as those behind the mountain of paperwork gain the freedom to act as they intend. The problem comes down to lawyers. They turn the simple into the complex, making the obvious as misunderstood as possible. The paperwork is just there to make what they do look legitimate.

3) I suspect I’ve discovered an unrefined though universal truth. To state it raw, “Technology is commonly thought to make our lives easier, but develops at a rate sufficient to keep people from being productive.” Essentially, technology keeps us from doing our jobs.

Happy Birthday, Ted Kaczynski

Happy Birthday, Ted. It has been a long time. April 3, 1996 to be exact.

Thank you for some of your thoughts while in prison. Particularly these…

Kaczynski lamented never being able to accomplish three things to his satisfaction: building a crossbow that he could use for hunting, making a good pair of deerhide moccasins that would withstand the daily hikes he took on the rocky hillsides, and learning how to make fire consistently without using matches. He says he kept very busy and was happy with his solitary life. “One thing I found when living in the woods was that you get so that you don’t worry about the future, you don’t worry about dying, if things are good right now you think, ‘well, if I die next week, so that, things are good right now.’ I think it was Jane Austen who wrote in one of her novels that happiness is alwavs something that you are anticipating in the future, not something that you have right now. This isn’t always true. Perhaps it is true in civilization, but when you get out of the system and become re-adapted to a different way of life, happiness is often something that you have right now.

Thanks for the reminder. Happiness is about the now.

Happy Birthday, Robert Hanssen

Celebrating the birthday of the man behind the worst intelligence disaster in U.S. history, Robert Hanssen.

Whatever were the reasons for helping the Russians other than money, Mr. Hanssen, we hope you’re doing well in the Supermax in Colorado. You may be in solitary, but if you happen to see him, say hello to Ted for us.

Pulpitless Persuasions

Over many years of listening to various and sundry pulpiteers, it seems odd that some parts of scripture have never been so much as touched upon let alone used to make a main point in sermon fodder. Some scriptures are so oft used, even week after week in messages, wearing them out pressing at some significant point, that they hardly require effort at memorization. Any regular church attending Christian knows the kind. John 8:32, Matthew 6:33 or Philippians 4:13 and a myriad of others require so little exegetic effort from the pew warming faithful as verses such as these are far more worn out in church sermons than grandma’s bible.

I’ve considered the reasoning behind all this to be a curious thing. Perhaps it’s simply convenient to avoid these knotty verses and stick with the same passages Pastor Whozits preached in his holy week sermon 10 years ago for homily formulation because, after all, it served him well and who would know better than Pastor Whozits. Or maybe Professor Beelzebub at the College of Theologicals for Garden Knowledge in Good and Evil never used them in his Homiletics 201 class.  Nevertheless, whatever the reasoning it’s indisputable there’s a plethora of completely avoided and unrequited bible verses just waiting to be drawn upon for wisdom and understanding.

Of course, kind reader, you know where I’m going with this. My preference is to charge headlong into areas professional preachers wouldn’t tread. So I’ve considered the possibility of starting a series of entries titled as above, Pulpitless Persuasions, concerning those very left behind (Christianese pun intended) passages of scripture. Pulpitless, because this blog will have to do as the closest thing to one I’ll have and, as one can see from Amazon here, pulpits are pretty dadgum expensive. Besides, pulpits are difficult to carry to a street corner. (Caveat Lector: Contrary to my popular homiletical counterparts who have an apparent vested interest in their faithfulness to the scriptures combined with years of theological education signifying how well they can turn a verse, I make no pretensions that anything I write in these lines will be in anyway directly authoritative or accurate biblically. I’ve not had the great disadvantage of having any sanction by some prodigiously impressive college of spiritual knowledge.) And persuasions, because I like alliteration and in the end these are all just my opinions. I read what I read as I read it in the scriptures and ultimately it’s just my opinion, with a little help from my friends like Matthew Henry, et al. Endeavouring, as I will, to stay respectful to the holy text, I’ll essentially render it without the stuff of highbrow spirituality.

And so, for today, I thought I’d take a look at a most overlooked and unfamiliar passage from that seldom mentioned book of Deuteronomy:

Deuteronomy 23:12-14 (AMP) – You shall have a place also outside the camp to which you shall go [as a comfort station]; And you shall have a paddle or shovel among your weapons, and when you sit down outside [to relieve yourself], you shall dig a hole with it and turn back and cover up what has come from you. For the Lord your God walks in the midst of your camp to deliver you and to give up your enemies before you. Therefore shall your camp be holy, that He may see nothing indecent among you and turn away from you. (Bold emphasis mine)

Here we read an interesting passage which no doubt bears reminding ourselves. Actually, perhaps this should be, as Exodus 13:9 states for a different set of conditions, put on our hands. It’s been said that if God meant us to fly He would’ve given us wings. In similar fashion if God meant us to wipe ourselves He would’ve made us equipped with toilet paper. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending upon how we reflect upon the case, we all know that not to be so. However, as it once was, in our efforts to follow genuine biblical Christianity, He required of us to carry a shovel of some kind. Now, in the dispensation of the times, we find the holes having already been dug and calling them toilets. Praise God from whom all blessings flow (pun intended).

To get right to the point I perceive in this scripture, God ain’t interested in our crap. He doesn’t have to put up with it. Some of us are full of it which makes coming near God impossible. There are those with a little crap, but God ain’t interested in being with those who have the least bit of it. There’s just no way around it. Dump your crap. All of it.

Not only that but if He does encounter our crap He’ll turn away. Imagine posting these verses in church lavatories as parishioners contemplate performing their biblical duties. It makes the urgency of restroom visits all the more significant. Here it is so clear one thing that turns God off to mankind. Maybe it’s because of the smell. Crap stinks, or to put it biblically, crap stinketh. One doesn’t have to be a bible scholar to understand that, and make no mistake, God does smell stuff. He smells Grandma Nellie’s boiled cabbage and it’s a stench in His nostrils. Just imagine what He thinks about smelling your crap and mine. I’m not letting it happen. Don’t you either.

Just remember, make sure you flush after you’ve dropped a load and meditate thereupon. And don’t forget to close the lid.

I don’t attend the restroom often, but when I do I bring my bible with me. Stay thirsty, my friend.